


Moving on

by raelle123



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-07 02:49:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13425153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelle123/pseuds/raelle123
Summary: Got the idea form a post i saw on fb but it evolved into something completely different.Dean tries to move on after the resolve of his decade old trauma that sucks him back into a past that he has desperately tried to run form while also taking the biggest step in his and Cas' relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

Dean paced back in forth in his small apartment that he shared with Cas, his boyfriend of 6 years. He couldn’t get his racing heart to stop. This was supposed to be a happy moment for him something that he’s waited 8 years for, something that he’s fantasized about frequently, got him through most of his dark days. However now that it was finally here, finally over he didn’t feel the euphoria that he had expected to wash over him. 

Alastair was dead.

So why was he still looming over Dean the same way he had for nearly a decade?

Dean reached into his jean pocket running his fingers over the small wooden box taking deep calming breaths counting backwards from 100 until his pulse calmed a bit and he was able to get control over his emotions. He would not let the demons of his past dictate the rest of his life, the only words from his idiot therapist that actually registered with the stubborn Winchester.

Cas came home early from work, unsurprisingly considering the days events and gently wrapped Dean into a hug before catching himself and pulling himself out of protector mode, that wasn’t what Dean needed at the moment. Steeling himself he lifted the paper bag from his hands. “I got burgers”. If Dean noticed the obvious slip up he didn’t mention it, instead forcing a grin and grabbing the bag out of Cas’ hands.

“You sure know how to treat a lady huh babe?” he said with a flirtatious wink, digging into the bag and promptly stuffing its contents into his mouth. If Cas wasn’t going to talk about it, he sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up.

They ate in comfortable silence watched some trash tv as per usual for their daily routine. Off to bed a little after 10. 

Understandably Cas was keeping his distance, not knowing if his touch would set Dean off on such a day. Dean apparently had different plans once they got into bed and rolled into Cas’ chest allowing the doctor to gently run his fingers through Dean’s short blonde hair, every so often catching on the large scar hidden under his hair on the left of his head, but never lingering. 

This happened for another 30min or so until sleep took Cas, Dean laid awake for another couple of hours trying to gather the confidence he needed. There was no way he’d ever be able to do this while Cas was awake, so he made the decision months ago that his was going to be the way he did it. reaching into his pajama pocket and pulling out the ring his gently lifted Cas’ left hand, thanking whatever power that Cas was a heavy sleeper and slipped the sliver band onto him. When he was done he spent a couple of minutes looking at ring, running his fingers across the simple band with feather like touches. Admiring the small ruby that adorned the metal band. It was plain but perfect Dean didn’t think that there was anything more fitting for his caring trench coat wearing boyfriend.

Satisfied he places Cas’ hand back onto his chest and laid down on his back focusing on the celling illuminated by the permanent nightlight plugged into the wall next to the bedroom door. Letting himself get dragged into memories that he’s fought for years. 

 

 

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Alastair was an associate of his father a constant in both Sam and Dean’s life’s growing up. Neither brother particularly liked the strange man but didn’t really care about the mans presence otherwise. He was smart and had launched John and Bobby’s auto shop into a very successful business. 

Things started changing the older Dean got though, Alastair turning from paying no attention in any of the boys into taking interest in the older boy. Dean had been around 10 when he had first met the man and started noticing the staring about around 15. Alastair had started coming by more frequently, finding excuses to stop by unexpectedly, some paper needed signing, or some great business idea had hit him, any excuse the man could think of. He started trying to involve Dean in the business convincing John that it was important to start young if he had desire to one day take over. Despite the weird feeling Dean got from the man he grew excited at the prospect of being responsible and latched onto the idea quickly. 

From business meetings with john, Bobby and Alastair into Dean sometimes taking rides with the older man to scout out potential expansion locations, it had all started so innocently. This had gone on for months until one day Alastair made his move. They had stopped at some ratty hotel for the night Alastair claiming that he was too tired from the days drive to make it back to Sioux Falls. Again, Dean didn’t really see any red flags at the time. Then Alastair ordered a single room, casually laughing off Dean’s confusion and explaining the business partners tended to share in order to save money.

Though Dean was uncomfortable he didn’t want to disappoint the man that had single handily raised the family business from the ground up. Later that night things went surprisingly smoothly, Dean curling up as far away form Alastair as humanly possible and Alastair keeping a respectful distance as well. 

Dean was woken up from his sleep he didn’t move, wondering what had woken him assuming that it was just a passing truck or something, he had always been a light sleeper. He closed his eyes relaxing his breath and attempted to fall back asleep when he heard it. soft moans came from behind him he tensed up, but Alastair didn’t notice too caught up in whatever he was doing. Dean tried to slow his racing heartbeat. He tried to reason with himself, there was no way in hell that Alastair was touching himself not 2 feet away from Dean, it was probably just a dream.   
Then Dean felt Alastair start to move, maybe he was waking up?

Nope, wasn’t waking up. The older man started to scoot closer to Dean pausing every couple of seconds to see if Dean was still asleep and considering how frozen Dean was it wasn’t a surprise that Alastair thought the teenager was still dead to the world. Dean felt the tip of something touch his back and immediately a wave of ice washed over him. Alastair was touching him with his, very erect, penis. A couple more pauses and Alastair gently started to rock against Dean. 

Everything in Dean’s head screamed at him to roll over, to knock his teeth out but his was paralyzed, completely shocked and unable to do anything. He waited Alastair out hoping the man would hurry up so that he’d stop touching him. The minutes felt like hours and finally, FINALLY it was over, with one last stifled moan from Alastair and a brush of what Dean assumed was a tissue the oppressive weight left Dean’s back and Alastair rolled back over.

Dean laid there still nausea racking over him but fear keeping him immobilized. He didn’t move from that tensed spot for hours watching the headlights of passing cars from the motel windows until the sun eventually rose up. Confident that his early rising wouldn’t be too suspicious Dean crept from the bed and made his was into the bathroom body shaking. He turned the crappy motel shower on a hot as it would go, which turned out to be not very and shredded his clothes. He scrubbed his body until the water felt like ice, redressing with his shirt on inside-out not wanting any of Alastair’s lingering touch to get on him, but not having a change of clothes.

Alastair was up when he got out of the bathroom and they left home without incident. The first thing Dean did when Alastair’s car retreated from the driveway of Bobby’s house was find John and tell him everything. He didn’t want to, but he was also scared that Sam would suffer the same fate eventually if he didn’t come clean.   
John of course raised hell calling every lawyer he could get the number of and filling a report. If john was anything he wasn’t the type to fuck around. Soon there was a trial set and Alastair was taken to jail. The judge posted bail and Alastair paid it and fled. Though there was a man hunt they never found him and eventually everyone started to forget about him, convinced that was the last of the man.   
Three years had past and the incident was all behind Dean, he was still set up to start running the business alongside Bobby and John when he graduated, and he was thriving in school. He also had a girlfriend Lisa and was convinced that she was his end game. Then one day when he was exiting a corner store and making his way back home he felt a hand grab his face cloth firmly pressed into his nose he struggled by eventually his world turned black and he lost consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean groaned blinking the fuzziness out of his eyes and trying to remember what had happened. Memories were coming in sluggish, brain working slow as the effects of the drugs were draining out of him. The last thing he’d remembered was picking up cold medicine for Sam and then…

Dean set bolt upright taking in his surroundings with quick jerky movements. He tried to remain calm as he took in the small room he was in. Concrete floors, a small window on the top far corner of the right wall, so a basement? He got to his feet and started walking towards the old rusty looking door to his front not getting further than 4 feet before something halted his movements. He felt his heart stop as he looked down and noticed that he was shackled left ankle surrounded by a metal cuff with a chain leading back towards the corner he had woken up in. He made his way back and saw that the chain was secured to the floor via a drilled ring in the ground. He picked up the chain and pulled as hard as he could, no give, okay he was not going to freak out. 

He tried to rationalize things, he was obviously kidnapped, but he didn’t know who was behind it. was this some type of weird ransom thing? His dad and adopted uncle were pretty loaded thanks to their successful businesses and they have had their fair share of hate mail from other competing businesses but for some reason Dean know that wasn’t the case. 

He didn’t have long to wonder though because suddenly a key was rattling, and the door was opening. Dean’s mouth dropped when he saw who it was.

“Alastair?” He questioned staring at the man, he looked haggard and even more creepy than usual and that was saying something. He remembered a well put together man, who would never be caught without his perfectly combed hair and pressed suit. Now he was wearing worn jeans and a dirty white shirt, hair all over the place and dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. 

 

 

 

 

Dean was found 4 months later emaciated, and severely wounded, Alastair again long gone. Dean had suffered lacerations, bruises, abrasions, and nasty burns covering around 70% of his body along with intensive rectal damage from being repeatedly raped. The worst of the injuries was a long gash on the left side of his head. An obvious attempted murder. How he survived was a miracle, one that left a lasting tole causing him to have temporary amnesia getting flashes of his memories back in short random bursts that would leave him shaking on the floor in sobs. Because of this he had to make frequent visits to the hospitals for x-rays and exams. The doctors concerned that he could have permit brain damage. He was also left with a horridness scar that his slow growing hair could barely cover. 

There was only one good thing that came out of the frequent hospital visits and that happened to be the doctor that had first treated him and was assigned to his case, Doctor Castiel Novak. When Dean had first come in unconscious Castiel was the working head ER doctor and thus was the one who had rushed Dean into surgery and fixed the internal brain bleed. He was also the first one Dean had saw when waking up, confused and in pain. Castiel had set with him for a couple of hours talking in a gentle voice that soothed Dean’s panic until he was able to remember his name and his father’s phone number. They didn’t know it then but Dean had imprinted on Castiel, something that people tended to do after an extreme trauma. From that point on Castiel was the only one able to work on Dean without setting off a panic attack in the teen.  
After about a year of bi-weekly doctor visits Dean got the all clear. He was happy that he didn’t have to be poked and prodded anymore but he was also anguished over not being able to see Cas anymore. To his surprise on his last doctors visit Cas, the nickname that Castiel had given to him on their third visit, slipped him his number. Telling him that they could continue being friends now that Cas was no longer his primary doctor. 

The family had also accepted Cas as one of their own often times inviting him over to dinner and family days. These interactions had led to Dean slowly coming out of his shell and turning back into his own self. Cas was good for Dean, and Dean was falling head over ass for the older man. He was awkward and professional, showing up to fishing trips in dress pants and a trench coat, he knew nothing of movies and television made after the 50s and tended to rattle on about random facts when nervous. He was kind though and would always make sure that everyone was taken care of, he’d be the first to move when something was needed. He never talked down to the bothers and more importantly he never treated Dean as someone who was broken.

It took another year for Dean to get the nerve to ask Cas out and when he did it was over text. He still wasn’t ready for anything physical, but he knew that he was in love with Cas and every so often he’d see Cas looking at him with such a softness that he was convinced the older man felt the same. To his surprise and complete delight the doctor said yes.


	3. Chapter 3

His rescue wasn’t all roses though upon returning home from the hospital after a months stay Dean was jumpy and it seemed that the smallest things would set him off. A loud noise like a door slam would send Dean cowering in the nearest corner. He would hide out in his room all day only coming out for food or to use the bathroom. It was one of the reasons the family had taken to Cas as fast as they did because the only time they would see glimpses of his former self it would be after a visit with the doctor. 

 

During the first week Dean found that he couldn’t sleep the room was too dark, too quiet, too isolated. Before long he found himself in Sam’s bed door left ajar, hall light spilling through into the room. Sam never mentioned it and it just became a silent agreement, Sam wouldn’t bring it up and Dean would sleep, losing some of the deep circles under his eyes. 

 

Sam, being wiser than most kids his age was the only one in the family that could find was to pull Dean out of his panic attacks. He would sit next to him during those times and just talk about old adventures that Dean would take him on when he was little. He would talk about the stupid fights they used to have, he would talk about school, even just random facts that he knew, but he wouldn’t stop talking until Dean had calmed down. After one of Dean’s many breakdowns he had admitted that he mostly couldn’t follow the conversations, but the sound of Sam’s voice was what would bring him back to the present. 

 

Between Sam and Cas, Dean had enough support to eventually go back to school and graduate. He was a year late, but it was important to him to actually graduate instead of just his GED. He wasn’t going to let Alastair steel anything else from his life, especially his education. He actually was in the same graduating class as Sam, the little genius was graduating at 16. He wasn’t embarrassed by this, Sam was in all advanced classes anyways, so it wasn’t like he had any of the same classes, not to mention he didn’t have to worry about any of his old friends trying to talk to him.

 

They were all in college now, Lisa was the only one he had trouble shaking. She was the love of his life and he was hers. Dean couldn’t let himself be in her life, he was too broken for her, she deserved better. He had refused to see her, ignored all her calls after he broke up with her through text. She was persistent, leaving messages claiming that she didn’t care what happened that she’d stay by his side no matter what. During one of her many home visits Bobby met her at the door and after an hour of them talking she stopped. Dean never knew what Bobby had said but he was grateful none the less. He couldn’t face his past anymore, couldn’t be the Dean they all remembered. The 4 months had changed him twisted him up, leaving a tangled ugly creature in its wake. 

 

He fell into a routine, school, work, home, sleep, Bobby had taken him under his wing, John having to go back to Lawrence to take care of their new business. They stopped trying to get Dean to take over the business, he wasn’t ready for that much human contact. Instead Bobby taught him everything he knew about cars, restorations and rebuild and Dean threw all of himself into it. He turned it into his outlet, pouring his daily frustrations into every project Bobby gave him, quickly becoming a town legend for how well he became. This helped him find a purpose for his life, helped him find a place in society and gave him a plan for his future. 

 

Once graduated, Dean became a full-time employee for Bobby while Sam went to the local college. No one talked about why Sam was going to some ratty community college when he had a full ride to Stanford, but they all knew that Dean wouldn’t be able to handle his brothers moving yet. He still wasn’t able to sleep alone, still had the panic attacks even two and a half years later. Cas was another big part of his life, coming over for family dinner every Friday, and spending his weekends watching Dean work on cars in the back garage while keeping up a pleasant chatter. He was starting to feel alive again, was starting to feel hopeful that his life would be livable once again.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean was now 21 it had been 3 years since the incident and he was started to make the steps towards healing. It had been a year since he started dating Cas and he was ready, for their first kiss that is. Dean had been too traumatized from the event that he couldn’t accept any kind of intimate contact at the beginning of the relationship, it took him a whole month before he was comfortable enough for hand holding and the occasional hug, another two before he could rest his head against the doctors shoulder or thigh on the weekly home movie dates they had. It was 6 months into the relationship before he even stepped a foot into Cas’ apartment not handling the new environment as well as he would have liked. However Cas was there, through every step letting Dean take the lead and never once pushing for more. 

 

He had to always make the first move, Cas never dared, didn’t want to send him into a panic attack and lose his trust. Though Dean appreciated that move than he could ever admit it also made his nervous. He didn’t know what Cas thought about all the waiting, even though the doctor assured his countless times that he didn’t mind. Maybe Cas was asexual? Dean sure hoped not, because though he was okay with putting off sex for the foreseeable future he did eventually want to get to the place where he could do that with Cas. He loved him and wanted that intimacy, wanted the connection, but he knew he had to heal more in order for that to happen. He could still barley masturbate without a stream of flashbacks slamming into him. 

 

He wasn’t going to think that far ahead, just a kiss, he could do that. This was their one-year anniversary, it was perfect. He was going to take Cas on a ride in the impala and star gaze in some random backwoods field, it was something that him and Sammy had done countless times when Dean first got his license at 16 and he was now comfortable enough with Cas that he didn’t mind being alone with him, he trusted him. 

 

He picked up Cas at around 8:30pm it was kind of chilly, so he wasn’t surprised to see the doctor in his usual trench coat, and rolled his eyes at the fact that he was still wearing slacks and a dress shirt, still the same man that Dean had met 3 years ago. Dean himself was in dark jeans and a Led Zeppelin shirt, leather jacket thrown on top. They made it to the location and Dean brought out an old quilt draping it over the hood so that they wouldn’t get smudges on the sleek black top. They laid there holding hands and watching the sky for hours, alternating glances at each other. The mood was perfect, Dean squeezed Cas’ hand briefly to gain his attention and to also settle his remaining nerves. Cas grunted questioningly and looked over, Dean met his eyes and knew that this was the moment. His nerves melted away as the warm feeling of looking at Cas’ face filled him. He reached his hand out cupping Cas’ cheek and gently pressed his lips against the others. 

 

It didn’t last all that long, but Dean was grinning stupidly when he pulled back and Cas was gazing back awestruck. Dean felt some of the darkness within him fade just a bit, he would be able to move on after all he just needed some time and a certain doctor along for the ride. They laid on their sides staring at each other, stars forgotten, hands intertwined, and Dean couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than that moment.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean was 22 now and had been living with Cas for a little over a month. Sam had gone away to college, having completed everything he possibly could from the community college. Dean had to basically force him to go and only Cas’ suggestion to let Dean move in finally made the stubborn kid leave. Dean still couldn’t sleep alone and he sure as hell wasn’t going to share a bed with Bobby, he loved him like a father, but the chainsaw snoring, and unconscious cuddling was enough to deter him for life. 

 

He was very nervous the first night, having slept in the same bed as Cas before he didn’t understand why, but he guessed it was because this was going to be the new normal. Having Sam on the other side of the country wasn’t very pleasant either but the guilt of making his younger brother wait even longer wasn’t an option. Sam claimed to not mind but Dean sure did.

 

Cas had installed nightlights all over the house before Dean had even started coming over knowing that it was something he’d need. Despite the fact that he was super embarrassed about being a grown man and being afraid of the dark he couldn’t do without, so he did the next best thing and pretended like he didn’t notice. 

 

Now over a month later he woke from his sleep with a bolt, sitting straight upright covered in sweat and tears gasping for air. Cas was like a bullet on his feet and surveying the room before blurrily making eye contact with Dean. Cas was by no means a light sleeper, so Dean figured that he must have screamed. This wasn’t the first time he’d woken up like this form a nightmare, but this nightmare had been particularly bad and had left Dean rattled and shaken. Cas was at his side in an instant, knelt next to him but keeping his hands away. Dean didn’t like to be touched after these nightmares, to many phantom hands all over himself already. Cas would stay by his side though breathing deeply and counting out load his breaths so Dean could figure out how to breathe again. He would stare at Cas’ chest rising and falling and let the gently gravel of his voice sooth him. 

 

Coming down was always a slow process, one that he was always convinced would never end, until it did. He usually never told Cas what would happen in the dreams, not being able to put them into words himself, to raw to even speak but tonight was different. He felt suffocated by the dream, like it was blowing up in his chest and beating against his heart. He needed to get rid of it, needed to expel it, so he did. He told Cas everything.

 

About the constant torture, how Alastair would bargain with Dean about food and other necessities, make him preform sexual favors. When Dean couldn’t be swayed by that or when he acted out he’d be punished, some days it was water boarding, others it was electricity. He was beaten almost daily, Alastair liking to see Dean in pain too much to pass up any opportunities. Alastair had kept him in complete darkness whenever he wasn’t there and that to Dean was the worst. He couldn’t tell the time and it would often feel longer than it actually was. It drove him mad, he found himself fearing that Alastair wouldn’t come back for him, it made him so dependent on the other man. He was ashamed about it all, about the times he’d let Alastair play his games with him, the times he’d give in. it was all flooding out of him now, to Cas while Cas just set quietly listening. 

 

When it was over Dean took in a large breath and let out a gut-wrenching sob, turning and clinging to Cas like his life depended on in. Cas was quick to rap his arms around Dean, cradling his face that was pressed deeply into his neck and talking soothing nonsense words to help sooth his distraught boyfriend. He could feel his own temper like hot coals pulsing inside of him, he wanted to rip Alastair apart piece by piece. Dean needed him more though, so he swallowed back his own tears and emotions and clung to Dean tighter. A couple hours later and Dean went limp in Cas arm exhaustion finally taking over, Cas quickly sent a text to his work alerting them that he was calling in sick. He also sent a text to Dean’s therapist letting her know that an emergency meeting was needed. Maybe this was the first step to Dean actually healing, he prayed so.


End file.
